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# 6   Member: Alex Stevens No of Posts: 351 Time Of Post: 30/05/2008 09:43:17 Last Modified: The Archetypal Brass Band: Soprano cornet: too loud, usually out of tune. Convinced he has the most difficult part in the band. Principal cornet: conceited, uses too much vibrato. Second man down: either thinks s/he would make a better principal, or hero worships the principal. Third & Fourth man down: musical thugs with lots of stamina and no finesse. Repiano cornet: waiting for a chance to play principal. 2nd cornets: hesitant, out of tune, but can play a bottom C. 3rd cornets: loud, out of tune, but can play bottom G. Flugel: plays flat. Can't decide whether to be a cornet or a horn. Solo horn: always a girlie - irrespective of whether a male or female player. 1st & 2nd horns: can play a unison tone in tune if one of them is dead. 1st Baritone: useless player, out of tune all the time. 2nd Baritone: even worse player. Only there to show what the first baritone could do if she tried. Euphoniums: show-off and trainee show-off. 1st trombone: steam driven. Rasps most of the time. 2nd trombone: sloppy player, but can rasp even at pianissimo. Bass trombone: chainsaw with vibrato. EEb basses: look like two drunken farts. BBb basses: sound like two drunken farts. Percussionists: Have lots of noisy toys which must be used in the most inappropriate way possible. Totally incapable of producing a swing rhythm. Conductor: So devoid of musical ability that he thinks the above shower sounds good! # 5   Member: Alex Stevens No of Posts: 351 Time Of Post: 30/05/2008 09:36:14 Last Modified: got a random email today so figured it was time to resurrect this old thread..... sorry Matt! What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A drummer. Why are concert intervals limited to 20 minutes? So you don't have to re-train the drummer. How do you know that there's a drummer at the door? The knocking speeds up. and just to show I'm fair... :) What's the difference between a baritone and a drum kit? Baritones take longer to burn. What instrument does the most stupid member of a band play? Drums...but if that's too hard, they end up on baritone. # 4   Member: Matt Tallamy No of Posts: 583 Time Of Post: 13/09/2006 17:48:42 Last Modified: Friary Guildford’s policy on recruiting new band members: Step One: Invite players to audition for their chosen Seat. Step Two: If the candidate has failed their audition give them two sticks and put them at the back of the band. Re-audition them. Step Three: If the candidate fails the audition again take one of the sticks away from them and put them at the front of the band. # 3   Member: Matt Tallamy No of Posts: 583 Time Of Post: 06/08/2006 23:07:18 Last Modified: A young child returned from his first music lesson on the tuba. His father said, how did you get on son? Great said the son, I can play a "G" Next week, the child returns from his second lesson. His father said, how did you get on son? Great said the son, I can now play a "C" The following week, the father is frantic with worry when the child does not return home until 2.00 a.m. Where have you been said the father? Out gigging, said the son! # 2   Member: Matt Tallamy No of Posts: 583 Time Of Post: 06/08/2006 23:04:25 Last Modified: 06/08/2006 23:06:08 A group of western tourists are on Safari in the African jungle. The jungle is so thick that they have to travel on foot - and all the time there is the constant sound of the jungle drums going "Boom! Boom!" across the canopy of the forest. After half a day of this one of the tourists asks what the drumming means. "Rejoice in that sound" says the guide "for if they ever stop a terrible thing will happen." The tourists press the guide for more details but he refuses to say more of this terrible thing - it obviously horrifies him too much to even think about. Anyway they press on for six days without incident, with the ever present , both day and night, accompaniment of the drums. Until just after dusk on the sixth day when the drums suddenly stopped.... There was an instant of deathly silence - and then the guide becomes hysterical, beating his head and screaming in fear. The tourists try to calm him down because they want to know what terrible fate awaits them - and in a moment of lucidity he tells them: "When the drums stop - Bass solo..." # 1   Member: Matt Tallamy No of Posts: 583 Time Of Post: 06/08/2006 23:03:32 Last Modified: A few gags to keep you amused whilst at work bored out of your mind pretending to work, but instead surfing the net. Keep adding them...

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